I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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