Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Randomize
