I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
