I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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