today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My dick has a subreddit
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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