We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
