I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
