Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Are my feet made of real feet?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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