I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
