I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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