Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
