I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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