somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
