Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
