I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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