she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
