Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
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Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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