This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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