Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
