I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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