How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
