The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
