I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
