I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
