I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We are all done wearing pants today
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
