We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
