He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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