Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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