I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
