I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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