If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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