Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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