remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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