it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
