Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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