What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
