U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
