I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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