Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
