the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
