ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
