tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
