"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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