I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize