she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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