between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
