She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
