We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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