Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
