Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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