I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
