Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.